What The F?

By Ken Schwartz

Lets face it people, things are totally messed up these days. I mean, I took last week off work to get my life together and am really pissed at myself because I totally missed the boat.

Day 1
Everyone needs a day to refuel. I figure I'm gona need some strength if I'm going to get it together. Listen, I'm totally not gay, but like there's this secret gas station rest stop situation people need to know about. When I'm there on my way from Philly to DC everyday, guys keep saying, "nice mustache." Again, not my scene unless I'm commuting, having rent issues, girlfriend is not around, or saying my name is Bruce to strangers when it's really Ken.

Day 2
Why do I feel I have to nod knowingly to Guatemalan day laborers? Just last week, a guy came to work to fix the HVAC and said, "Ah man, I'll have to order some prefab piping." And I just sort of nodded like, "I identify with your struggle." Now it's freezing, where the fuck is that guy. Call me gringo, shit; I'll fuck you up.

Day 3
This is complete bullshit. My Europe 72 Cd is in the Mellow Gold jewel case. Europe 72s jewel case has a CD-R of my backed up resume, and some scans I did for this womens' kid at work. I cant live like this.

Day 4
My socks are losing their elasticity and are falling down. I can't go to the gym looking like this. People will think I'm poor, or just don't care about my appearance.

Day 5
I like this girl at work and The Wall is on tonight, so I figured I'd have her over for dinner and watch it. I thought I sealed the deal by telling her I identify with the protagonist. When the night was over, I realized I would totally have to bail. She had one of those crazy key chains with hunks of trinkets attached to it. Pictures of her cat, friendship bracelets, pez dispensers heads, pepper spray, NA badges, you name it.

Day 6
It is me or are people actually moving back to New Orleans. I don't know about you, but if an ocean filled with cattle, piranha and human waste rolled over my house, I would probably go somewhere else. Like the top of a mountain in a landlocked area. I don't care if you like Creole cooking and blues; buy some Old Bay seasoning, a harmonica and call it quits brother.

Day 7
Oh man, what's the smell, jesus I stepped shit. Oh wait, that's good luck, things are totally gonna' change for me next week.

Ken Schwartz has watched The Wall 267 times and can knowingly recite the script at will. He currently resides in Brooklyn, NY. He spends his days working for an ungrateful employer, and nights cultivating ideas for various projects.